COUPLES
JAN, 2024
Communication in Relationships
ANA TEMPELSMAN
Effective communication is a delicate art that many of us strive to understand and apply. Unfortunately, within relationships, it’s common to find ourselves caught in recurring arguments that revolve around the same issues without reaching a satisfying resolution. This dynamic is not only frustrating but can also erode the fabric of our relationship. Here, we will explore why this happens and how we can transform our communication to strengthen our relationships.
Understanding the Root of the Problem
An important key is realizing that the arguments we have as a couple are rarely about the superficial issues that seem to trigger them. Instead, they are often symptoms of deeper issues that we’re not addressing. Because we don’t end up talking about what’s really going on, we miss the opportunity to resolve anything. This pattern reveals the first great truth about communication in relationships: to communicate effectively with another person, we first need to be in tune with ourselves. Often, the root of our frustration comes from unmet emotional needs or deep feelings of insecurity, rejection, or fear of abandonment. However, instead of identifying and communicating these vulnerable emotions, we tend to react and fight over issues that are easier to verbalize but don’t represent the core of our distress.
Self-understanding: The First Step Toward Change
The first step in breaking the cycle may be to pause and deeply reflect on our own emotions and reactions. What is it that really bothers me about this situation? What deep emotions are being triggered in me? Often, if we manage to listen to ourselves, we realize that what we are experiencing is much more complex than we initially thought: something makes us feel unvalued, unloved, or misunderstood, and this is very painful. Recognizing these feelings within ourselves, without projecting blame onto the other person, is essential for moving towards more authentic and empathetic communication.
Towards Authentic and Vulnerable Communication
Once we have done the internal work of understanding our true emotions and needs, the next challenge is to communicate them in a way that the other person can hear, without feeling attacked or becoming defensive. This requires vulnerability and a clear, direct expression of our feelings, without resorting to blame or criticism. By sharing our feelings from a place of authenticity, we invite our partner to understand our perspective with empathy and feel safe to open up in a similar manner.
Active Listening: A Bridge to Understanding
Just as important as speaking from the heart is the ability to listen actively. Listening does not mean simply waiting for our turn to speak; it involves opening ourselves up to deeply understand the other person’s experience and feelings. This can be challenging, especially when we feel attacked or misunderstood, but active listening is crucial for creating a safe space where both partners can express themselves and feel seen and validated.