Children in the Middle

PSYCHOLOGY

JAN, 2024

Children in the Middle

ANA TEMPELSMAN

Children in the Middle

By Ana Tempelsman and Silvia Salinas.

Divorce with children is an increasingly common situation. The disruption of the family creates inevitable pain for everyone involved. However, not all divorces are the same. Before, during, and after a separation, parents can make decisions and take actions that determine the environment, the level of stress, and the risk of emotional problems in their children. If parents manage to avoid cultivating hatred, find a way to handle the relationship with their ex-partner, and continue being protective, loving, and responsible parents, the children will suffer considerably less. The goal of this article is to convey that while pain is inevitable, additional suffering can be prevented.

Interparental Conflict

The reality is that divorce generates extremely difficult emotions to control. For this reason, it is essential that parents realize the importance of not letting these emotions control and dictate the separation. Divorce alters the lives of the entire family in many ways. The most immediate and potentially harmful consequence does not stem from the divorce itself but from the incessant conflicts and fights between the parents. Children grow up in the physical space between both parents. This is their world, the place where they can grow and feel safe. When this space becomes a battlefield, taken over by conflict, they experience a pain they cannot escape.

The Fear of Living Between Two Warring Parents

“My biggest fear as a child was when my parents crossed paths. On the days my dad came to pick me up in the afternoon, I tried to go to a friend’s house so he wouldn’t have to come to mine. But Sunday night was inevitable. My dad would take my sister and me back to my mom’s, and they always found a reason to start a fight. A look, a sharp comment, and both would start their long list of complaints, grievances, and accusations. It always ended the same: my mom crying, my dad threatening not to see us anymore, and both shouting how much they hated each other and how the other had ruined their life. It was unbearable.” (Lucia, 27 years old). When parents fight, their children feel like they are inside the fight itself. They worry, live in fear, and are more vulnerable to all kinds of anxieties.

One Parent’s Hatred Towards the Other

It is common for parents, hurt or angry about the separation, to do things that deteriorate the wellbeing of their ex-partner. Maybe the ex behaved miserably towards them or left them for someone else. It’s easy to understand the desire for revenge against someone who mistreated us. What we want to convey is that when a parent yells at their ex, in the child’s eyes, they are yelling at their mother or father. Children do not see parents as two individuals in a couple or ex-couple but as their mom and dad. All children need their parents to be well, healthy, and happy to feel well themselves. If a man withholds money from his ex-wife to punish her, it is his child’s mother who lives in fear of losing the house, distressed and angry. If a woman restricts the children’s visits to their father to punish him, it is the children who will miss their dad.

Learning to Overcome a Crisis

Parental conflict can also interfere with children’s acceptance and overcoming of the divorce. For many children, divorce is the first major crisis of their lives; they do not know how to overcome such a trauma and need their parents to serve as role models and teach them how to deal with a difficult situation. If parents become angry and fight, that is what the children will learn to do in response to problems. The key for children to let go and overcome the divorce is for the parents to resolve their issues and let go as well. The path involves showing them that it is possible to be okay again after a crisis and that divorce is not the end of the world. Helping them overcome the trauma and internalize a positive way of accepting and growing from painful events is crucial.

Moving Beyond the Idea of Justice

Another key point for the well-being of the children is that parents try to maintain a good relationship. As a parent, this often means doing things we consider unfair, that we believe we don’t deserve or that aren’t our responsibility. This is a difficult concept to grasp: it is necessary to accept an unjust situation to protect the children. The idea is to learn to react differently to the same stimulus. People often say, “if he behaves this way, I can’t help but react like this,” but this is false. The way to grow is to learn to respond differently. No matter what the other person does, if we are aware that reacting with anger harms our children, we can look for alternative responses.

Taking Responsibility for the Situation

The goal is to realize that stopping the fight depends on us. We cannot change the other person; if we separated, we probably know this. We cannot justify our actions by the other’s bad behavior. We must step out of the place of complaint, accept that we cannot influence what others do, and see what we can do to improve the situation. This is the reality each of us faces, this is the ex-partner, this is the challenge life has given us. The path is to stop trying to change the other person and think about what we can change in ourselves.

The Bond Between Children and the Ex-Partner

Another toxic situation for children occurs when they are pressured to take sides. Many people, outraged by their ex’s behavior, tend to complain in front of their children, criticizing the other parent. They think the children “need to know how things are.” But this is a mistake. For children, it is healthy to have a good relationship with both parents. For their sake, we must try to ensure they love their father or mother, even if we don’t. That is their dad or mom, the only one they have, and it is good for them to love them as they are. Therefore, do not cultivate their anger. Do not show them their worst traits; instead, try to let them see the best in their parent.

Letting Go of Anger

Anger is cultivated through repetitive thoughts, fixations on ideas we dislike that grow larger over time. Like when a group of separated friends gathers to rant about their ex-husbands: they arrive late, don’t deposit the monthly payment on time, or the money isn’t enough. They incite each other. The path is to stop this escalation, not encourage it. Because, after all, we don’t want our children to live with an angry person, in a climate of hatred, absorbing the energy of resentment. The way forward is to realize that this anger is useless, that it harms us and others. To stop cultivating it and connect with the immense pain that always hides behind it: to understand that anger is a superficial reaction and to surrender to the pain of separation.

Stopping the Blame and Starting to Repair

The core message we want to convey is an awareness that fighting causes harm. It is difficult for parents not to be together; let’s try not to make it worse. Divorced parents cannot avoid the pain of divorce, but they can prevent additional suffering by working on their pride, their sense of justice, and stopping the anger and fighting.
When we realize we’ve made mistakes, the most important thing is not to blame ourselves. Instead, observe what we did, become aware to improve and repair, and forgive ourselves. If we are angry, not to make an apology for the reasons we have to be angry, but to be aware that we need to get out of that state for everyone’s sake.
As mother and daughter who have gone through this situation, we know what we are asking is difficult. We do not want to place tremendous demands on the readers, nor do we want them to feel guilty, but to observe the harm they may be causing and try to change. To strive to improve for their own sake and for their children’s well-being.

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Ana Tempelsman M.A.