NEUROSCIENCE
JAN, 2024
Learning to Meet Needs: A Proposal for Regulating Responsibilities in Our Children
ANA TEMPELSMAN
Learning to Meet Needs: A Proposal for Regulating Responsibilities in Our Children
By Ana Tempelsman and Silvia Salinas.
In this article, we will explore how to identify and respect the needs of children and teach them to navigate a cycle of positive vital movement. This cycle goes from identifying genuine desires to understanding personal and external limits, to stepping into the world with support and confidence, and finally, to receiving and integrating the satisfaction of meeting a need. We will also look at how certain responsibilities support or disrupt this cycle.
Giving children new responsibilities is very healthy for teaching them to develop security, capability, strength, and a sense of self-regulation. Learning to take care of oneself and to respect the limits of others is a significant part of development. However, it is important to find the balance between giving them responsibilities and trust to support their growth while also caring for them, protecting them, and giving them space to enjoy their childhood.
When it comes to delegating responsibilities to children, we could place two extremes: on one side, parents who—consciously or unconsciously—overload their children with tasks and worries, and on the other, parents who, by overprotecting their children, frustrate their sense of self-esteem and autonomy. We will see how these imbalances interrupt the cycle of children’s needs and how, in turn, the origin of these behaviors in parents often lies in a dysregulation or disconnection from their own needs.
Identifying, Working Towards a Goal, and Satisfying Our Needs
Identifying, working towards a goal, and satisfying our needs is fundamental to the overall health of every person. At the base of most personal and interpersonal problems is an unrecognized, unvalidated, or unmet need. We are not talking about the desires and wants of the ego, which can include wanting a new car, more money, a partner, children, or having more than others. Rather, we are referring to the deep longings, the genuine needs of the body and soul. These can also include wanting more money, a partner, or children. The point is to discern whether the desire comes from a deep longing or a social mandate of what is considered correct and appropriate.
In part, the conflict has to do with the fact that our society does not teach us to recognize our truths but imposes the things we should want and have to be happy and accepted.
Knowing Oneself and Understanding One’s Needs
Active Rest
We could understand the vital cycle of needs based on four stages of movement: resting, pushing, reaching, and receiving. The first moment centers on connecting with oneself, in active rest, to allow genuine needs to emerge. It is a rest in contact, in which we quiet the voices of the mind and relax into our bodies and surroundings. We create space and allow ourselves to come into contact with our being and the present moment. This rest in contact and openness is the foundation of our ability to be effective in the world because it is impossible to act correctly without understanding ourselves and our environment.
Teaching and giving children space to go through this first moment is key. In a society that prioritizes action and seems to find no value in rest, pause, patience, and silence, creating a safe environment where children can come into contact with themselves is a great gift.
Disruptions of this rest in contact can occur in two opposing ways. One case happens when parents are severely depressed or busy, and the children take over the parents’ needs. Outwardly, this can look like an over-adapted child who behaves too well and “takes care” of one or both parents. We have seen many cases of this type. A woman we worked with shared that when she was nine, she took money from her mother’s purse, went to the market to buy food, and prepared dinner for her siblings. Her mother praised her, and she felt very happy and proud to be “adult.” But delving into this point, she discovered the pain of not being able to play with her friends because she had to go home to feed her siblings and the deep anger of being deprived of a carefree childhood.
The opposite case occurs when parents cannot see their children as different people from themselves and project their own needs onto them. The typical case is “put on a sweater because I’m cold.” Here, the damage lies in not respecting and fostering a sense of autonomy. It fails to teach children to know and validate their own experiences and to find their own strength. Sometimes, parents cannot acknowledge their weaknesses and project their weak part onto the children. In this way, they assume the role of “the one who can, the one who is strong,” and force the child into the role of “the one who does not know, the one who is weak and needs help.” The origin of this imbalance can also be found in a lack of recognition of the need to ask for help or rest in the parents.
In both extremes, what is disrupted is the children’s ability to connect with themselves and identify their needs, to then act according to them. For parents, this pause before acting can also be a resource to discern where a certain decision comes from and what need it attempts to satisfy, to correct or reaffirm the action.
Recognizing Limits
After connecting with oneself, the second stage in the cycle of needs is pushing. Pushing is the action of separating from the environment and finding one’s limits. The physical action of pushing makes our body denser and firmer. This moment has to do with the ability to maintain our barriers and self-support. For children, it has to do with separating from their parents and beginning to develop their individuality. If they are not taught that their limits, their “no,” have validity, the construction of their sense of substance and value can be affected.
Again, it is crucial to develop the ability to see the children, to understand and respect that their needs are not the same as those of their parents, nor are they the same as what their parents imagined they would be. It is crucial to ask, when a child says “no,” whether the responsibility given to them is for their growth or stems from a task the parent does not want to assume.
An example of this situation is a woman with whom we worked through the trauma that, when she was a child, her mother sent her to check if her father’s hair was wet when he came home from work, because she suspected he had a lover. When she refused, the mother told her that preventing the father from abandoning them was their responsibility
In a previous article, we talked about how love involves contact and space. People need both the possibility of being close and receiving warmth, and the right to be and a moment to feel their space. Sometimes, offering this possibility of separating and being oneself is exactly what children need. Respecting children’s limits fosters their confidence and sense of individuality and selfsupport. It teaches them to defend themselves and not to be dominated or manipulated by others.
Stepping Into the World
The third movement is extending outward, moving towards something desired, reaching. It manifests through curiosity and desires and involves the movement of stepping into the world to seek what we want. It takes us out of the known place and pushes us towards the new. It allows us to connect with others, take a risk, and visualize a goal. Without the support of the previous moments, without knowing our needs and strengthening our limits, stepping into the world becomes a movement without support in which we stumble towards things without firmness. Or it can turn into a search for support in others, for external support. If children are not taught to develop the previous capacities, stepping into the world becomes an unstable activity, accompanied by a feeling of not having a base and not knowing what to seek or want. This is when people adopt the models offered by television and advertisements: they feel the emptiness, the longing for something, but do not know what. And if they never learned to seek within themselves, they start seeking outside, reaching for goals that originate in the mental “I want.”
Often, what happens is that we try to reach things we believe will make others love or accept us. If we did not learn to come into contact with ourselves, we likely learned to tune in to what our parents wanted, and we learned to shape ourselves to be accepted. The problem with this overadaptation is that it involves a disconnection from our true needs. The consequence is that no matter how much we do or have, we will never feel satisfied because it is not what we truly longed for or needed.
The role of parents at this moment is to encourage, motivate, and suggest. Help children believe in themselves and give them space to explore. The problem arises when, out of fear or their own needs, parents crush their children’s dreams. Again, the question arises: Whom am I protecting when I make this decision?
Learning to Receive
The conclusion of the cycle of needs is the movement of grabbing, receiving, and integrating. It is the moment to celebrate when a child gets a good grade in school or achieves something they worked hard for. Teaching children to enjoy their achievements and take a moment to nourish themselves with the feeling of satisfaction is key for the need cycle to close. People who did not develop this stage always feel like they lack something, that they want more, that nothing is enough.
Returning to tranquility after the moment of effort is part of the balance that allows us to live satisfied and happy. As parents, it is important to see that children’s responsibilities have a counterpart of rest, integration, and play. Connecting with our true longings and understanding what we really need is key to having a good life. Helping our children know who they are, what brings them joy, and giving them permission to be themselves is the best gift we can give them.